Get Excited About Life

Presentations,questions,everything...only in english language,please

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Ines
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by Ines »

Roy, the poofta, goes
into the doctor's office and

Has some tests run.





The doctor comes back and says,
' Roy , I'm not going to beat around the bush.


You have AIDS.'






Roy is devastated. 'Doc, what
Can I do?





Eat 1 curry sausage,


1 head of Cabbage,


20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,


10 Jalapeno Peppers,





40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,


1/2 box Of All Bran,


And top it off with a litre of prune juice..'





Roy asks bewildered,


' Will that cure me, Doc?'






Doc says, No,


But it should leave you

With a better understanding

Of what your ARSE is for.
\:D/
The old lady hasn't spoke it all!

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Ines
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by Ines »

Vietnamese Wedding Night


A young Vietnamese couple in Calgary gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry
flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss
anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound
experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear
about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....



'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?
;))
The old lady hasn't spoke it all!
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Ramiro
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by Ramiro »

Hi,Ines

I would say it's tea time at Ines's lounge... :D
Here we can relax and smile with your refreshed humour.
Ines, at English corner we have people from all over the world, so, could you post some pictures or news from Romania: monuments; important writers; curiositys; traditions, superstitions, etc.
What do you say? ;)
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by zdebat »

I fully agree with the proposed small addition, each of us show our country. It would be interesting

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Ines
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by Ines »

Guys, I'm so happy u enjoy this...I thought nobody is reading it...there was no feedback!
Now I feel rewarded...see how easy it is to make a woman happy?...just give her a slight feedback!
\:D/

On the other hand...Yes! i think it would be great to show u some romanian landscape, beautifull places and traditions..oddities...and so on. And I will invite u to do the same about your countries.
:)>-

I wish u all a lovely week!
@};- %%- good luck
The old lady hasn't spoke it all!
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Ramiro
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by Ramiro »

Ok, I also agree with the proposal of Zdebat... ;)
So, Ines, do you want to keep the new project on this topic, or do you want to create a more suitable topic, kind of "meeting point" or "Checkpoint Charlie" would be carismatic!!!... 8)
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Ines
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by Ines »

Ramiro Cavaleiro wrote:Ok, I also agree with the proposal of Zdebat... ;)
So, Ines, do you want to keep the new project on this topic, or do you want to create a more suitable topic, kind of "meeting point" or "Checkpoint Charlie" would be carismatic!!!... 8)
hmmm...sounds great!..."meeting point"....nice one but "Checkpoint Charlie" sounds fantastic!...even though we have no war now, not cold nor warm...but the idea of a gate through which we can share/connect is wonderful.

Thank you Ramiro for your support!
Let's open the gate!
@};- %%- good luck
The old lady hasn't spoke it all!
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Ines
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by Ines »

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed
his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for..

The old medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him,
and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and
it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3..
When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, How do I
stop the medicine from working"

"Your partner must say'1-2-3-4,' he responded. But when she does, the
medicine will not work again until the next full moon."


The old gent was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,
showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his
wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his
clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men..


His wife, excited, began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with
a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
:-??
The old lady hasn't spoke it all!
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Ines
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by Ines »

1. "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

2. So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

3. A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac. 'The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' ..... 'Bring me a colour TV'.

4. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
@};- %%- good luck
The old lady hasn't spoke it all!
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Ramiro
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by Ramiro »

Welcome back, Ines

Did you spent a few days on holiday carnival ?.. :)
A lenda vive...!!!
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Ines
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by Ines »

Thank you!
As u can see...I'm on and off...but I will stop someday...to sip a pinacolada with you!
Nice to be back!
:-j
%%- good luck @};-

A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a
scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The
attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the
light,slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his
fingers,adding,"But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"
The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels
like rubber."
The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The
attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely.
"Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it
is. Where did you get it anyway?"
The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."
:-j
The old lady hasn't spoke it all!
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Ines
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by Ines »

With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly
illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been
surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character."These are the
breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights
are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."
:-j
The old lady hasn't spoke it all!
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Ines
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by Ines »

Assuming u missed me:

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.
"Your wife makes a delicious roast,"one chief said.
"Thanks," his friend said."I'm gonna miss her."
\:D/
Nice to see u again!
The old lady hasn't spoke it all!
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Ines
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by Ines »

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterwards, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualised kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis. Then Sam walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft house in North London , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo .
Clare graduated from King's College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in Dulwich and have a second home in Florida .
Sam explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand four parrots, side by side, on his willy.
Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom and he's a clerk for Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill and keep a caravan in France . Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are nurses in King's College. They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando .
At this point Samantha bursts into tears and admits that the fourth parrot has to stand on one leg.
The old lady hasn't spoke it all!
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Ramiro
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Re: Get Excited About Life

Post by Ramiro »

Nice and funny, Inês... :D
Your typical sense of humor. Ice in a hot summer!!!... :)
A lenda vive...!!!

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